Episode 313 Livestream Recap
{313} Thursday, June 16, 2022
{Episode 313}
June 16, 2022 11EST
Just the one call, but a good one…
Slap the donut
Slap the donut
67 Likes, 7 Comments. TikTok video from Rinoa Poison (@rinoapoison):
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[00:23:03]
Jessica Wilson vs Steve Barbosa (Barosa / Barbaysa / Bar of Soap / Soap Bar / BallSack) & Jason Henry (Hairy) & Shawn Parker (the Donut) -Microsoft
ID number 2439879 – using 247care.info
Refund amount $399.99
13 Maple St 34141
623-555-4862
totallyfakeemailtoday@gmail.com
Chase ckg $19,863.23 sv $763.29 CC $-286.75
“Accidental” refund amount $15,000
Jessica: “That’s disgusting. Somebody’s enjoying it.”
Jessica: “The Federal Trade Communication? What does it do?”
Jessica: “Thank you so much. This has been a very easy and hassle-free completion.”
Jessica: “Could you tell the individual in the background to shut up? Like slap him in the face?”
Steve says that the Billing Dept will call us. We booped.
16min 55sec
Jason Henry (Hairy), senior billing manager, called us back.
Jessica: “Do I need a whole pen as well as a whole paper?”
Jason: “You just need to silently make a note of the available balance what you have into your checking account under which you want your refund to be credited.”
Jessica: “So, I’m not allowed to scribble loudly? Is that correct? […] That’s too loud. I need to get one of those quiet pencils where you don’t hear it, like a Prius but for a pen.”
Jessica: “I did this with Mr. BallSack.”
Payment ID number TR29975027550
He was unable to repeat it back to us. (perhaps because he made it up as a distraction and didn’t write it down?)
Cancellation Code: 97529077520010795
F7 strikes again!
Refund will be in two parts: $150.00 and then $250.00
Jason: “Listen to me properly!”
Jessica: “Bloody hell, this refund process is bonkers.”
Jessica: “I would blame my ISP.”
Jason: “It’s way much too higher!”
Jessica: “How did I land you in a big trouble?”
Jessica: “So, they’re kind of embracing right now? My bank is embracing your bank right now?”
Jessica: “You sound like you’re crying. Are you OK? […] Please don’t cry.”
Jason changed Jessica’s checking account balance to $0.
Jessica: “What the crap, dude? You want me to come over there and step on your toe and smack you in the face? I’ll pull out your tongue and pour hot sauce on it. What did you do?”
Jessica: “Did I told you to do that? I don’t think I did.”
Jason: “We have each and every proof.”
Jessica: “What is this madness right here? […] I need to know why this keeps flashing two different colors.”
Rinoa: “Today, we are going to learn how to defend ourselves against the banana. Come at me with the banana! BANG! You shot him! You killed him. He was coming at me with a banana.”
Jason: “There is a system blockage that is coming from your computer side.”
Jessica: “Would you like me to call my bonk? Chase Bonk?”
Jessica: “I’m not a fool. I saw zero. You took all my money. You made a bigger problem out of a smaller problem. You took all of my money. I took your $1,500 and then you took all of my money. I have no money left. It’s zero, zip, nothing. Have at you. Go ahead. Go ahead. I reverse uno card played. It’s gone. It’s zippo.”
Jessica: “We’re both dumb here.”
Jessica: “What a muppet. Right?”
Jessica: “My money is gone. It’s behind the bars.”
Jessica: “You’re acting like an absolute chocolate donut right now.”
Jessica: “You’re a fool. You have a plunger to the top of your forehead.”
Jessica: “He’s a toaster!”
Jessica: “ I don’t know if your brain cells can take in the information that I’m trying to deliver to you because it just doesn’t seem to be retaining the information.”
Jessica: “My everything is zero.”
Jessica: “Just go run your head into the wall real quick and get some brain cells. Then get my money back.”
Jessica: “That’s a bad business hamster move, there.”
Jessica: “I can’t pull the money out of my ass. It’s just not possible.”
Jason: “Are you joking or are you a dumb right now?”
Transferred to Shawn Parker, senior billing manager.
Jessica: “Is it your money to take out of my account?”
Jessica: “Do I go to your bank account and hijack your money and hold it for ransom? I don’t.”
Jessica: “Someone holed my money because it’s gone. It went in a hole.”
Shawn: “This is not your nature of being rude.”
Shawn: “You are not letting me speak. That is why I can’t speak.”
Shawn began crying loudly and unconvincingly.
Shawn: “You are telling me it wasn’t from your end. He is telling me it wasn’t from his end. Now, I am telling you a ghost has done that. Now, I’m going to find that ghost wherever he is in this globe.”
Shawn: “You take a glass of wine. You take a glass of wine. That will cool you. That will help you calm down.”
Shawn: “You have a very less IQ level, ma’am.”
Jessica: “It’s stupid. Are you a muppet? Are you a Donut?”
Shawn: “OK. I am a Donut and you have a less IQ. OK? This works out. You told me. I told you. It’s fair enough.”
Shawn can only release $12,000 right now.
Jessica: “This is absolutely the definition of ransom. You are hijacking my account. So, I have to pay you back your money. There’s no trust.”
Shawn: “Ma’am, do you have any other computer? This computer is systematically in a freezed, frozen mood. I cannot drop the funds.”
Jessica: “Why was I in control of your funds? You Donut!”
Jessica: “You’re an absolute Donut. Now, I’m in a pickle.”
Shawn: “No, I’m not a Donut. I’m just a muppet.”
Transferred back to Jason.
Jessica: “Yeah, we’ve solved nothing in the time we talked to each other.”
Jessica: “I have hands. I saw it.”
Jessica: “You all are donuts. You’re a Donut with jimmies.”
Jessica: “Why is that not possible? Why is $12,000 the amount you can send in and not more or less? Why is $12,000 the magic number? Who made that the magic number? Who appointed $12K as the magic number that is leading all other numbers? Who did this? Who put the $12K in charge? It’s Donut math!”
He says we need to go to the bank and withdraw $12,000 cash.
Jessica: “Are your parents disappointed with how stupid you are?”
Jessica [overtalking]: “I just wanted to know, are they ashamed of you? Do they have any portraits of you hanging up in their house? That’s what I’m asking. I think you’re dodging the question. It doesn’t sound like your parents love you.”
Jessica: “Can I tell my bonk that I’m purchasing a Donut?”
Jessica: “You want me to hang up in your face?”
We booped. 2hr 13min 36sec They called back. We didn’t answer. They called back again. We answered.
Shawn: “Get yourself dressed up. OK?”
Shawn: “Wear some formal dresses.”
Jessica [overtalking]: “I have a question for you. I have some blue jeans on today. Do you think I should wear the blue shoes with the blue jeans or do you think I should wear the black shoes with the blue jeans? Or do you think I should wear black jeans with blue shoes? It would make the blue shoes pop a bit. But they have the orange shoelaces on. So maybe the black pants with the blue shoes with the orange shoelaces would look the best? Or do you think I should just go with the black shoes that are just entirely black?”
Shawn: “Blue shoes with the black jeans.”
Jessica: “OK. Perfect. Blue shoes with the black jeans. And what about the top? I have a black blouse on. Do you think I should do that? Or the white blouse?”
Shawn: “The white blouse.”
Jessica [overtalking]: “OK. So, white, black, and blue shoes. Perfect. It adds a little bit of color to the feet. Sometimes, it draws attention. I don’t necessarily know if that’s the best case but a little bit of attention to the shoes never hurt. Makes it look like I care about what kind of shoes I wear. The blue shoes are fancy. I will wear that. And it adds a little character ‘cause I have orange shoelaces in and it makes it so that I’m not such a boring person.”
Jessica: “There’s a cute boy at the bank named Zelda.”
Rinoa: “That’s his last name. Yeah, Zelda Link. Yeah, AKA Luigi. And that’s definitely a smash, not a pass. We don’t pass on Luigi. He’s a smash. Pretty obvious. Yeah, AKA Green Mario. We’re understanding where this is going. The missing Link is Green Mario. It makes sense if you don’t think about it.”
Jessica: “Give him an inch, take away a mile. Right?”
Jessica: “Jason, I just want to let you know I’m sorry for making you cry earlier. That was not intentional. OK?”
Jason: “It’s OK.”
[Shawn was the one who had “cried” earlier.]
We got in the blue car to go to the bank.
Jason: “Do not ask them anything and do not tell them anything.”
We got the cash from the bank and went home.
The computer is a complete mess. Jason wants Jessica to login to her bank account.
Jessica’s money is back in her account. She tells Jason to get off her computer.
“Smack yourself in the face and wake up!”
Somehow, there’s now $19,000+ when there was just $7,000+ and should have been 0.
Jessica: “Something doesn’t smell right and I think it’s your hot breath.”
Jessica: “Jason, how did you make such boom-boom?”
Jason: “We did not make any boom-booms, ma’am.”
Jessica: “You made the boom-boom in the pants, though.”
Jessica: “I have the perfect book for you. Do you want it? It says, ‘How to Not be a Dummy to the Dummy’s Guide of Being a Dummy.’”
Jessica: “I can follow simple instructions. I’m not a dummy like you.”
Jessica followed his instructions for packing up the money into the book, wrapping paper, aluminum foil, wrapping paper. We booped. 3hr 28min 19sec Jason called back.
Jessica: “Just beat yourself until you’re sensible.”
Jason said to send the box via UPS overnight delivery by 12PM to Robert Jones’ address in Buffalo, NY in an apartment complex.
Jessica: “Why are you such a muppet? Why are you a Donut?”
Jessica: “Don’t drink from the fishtank. Leave the water for the fishies, alright? If you’re gonna steal water from the fishies, just get it from the bowl, the toilet bowl. Clearly, it’s OK. The urine will whiten your teeth. It’s not so bad. Did you get some water? […] Just get some water. Splash some toilet water in your face. Refresh yourself. OK?”
Jason handed off the phone to Shawn but neither of them mentioned it.
Shawn is 31 years young and lives with his grandfather, mother, father, wife, and a child.
Jessica: “Is your family disappointed that you’re a Donut?”
Shawn: “No, ma’am.”
Jessica: “Are they proud that you’re a Donut?”
Shawn: “No, ma’am.”
Jessica: “So, they’re kinda in-between? They’re like, ‘Eh, could be worse. He could be a bagel.’ Right?”
Jessica: “We only have the blue car here. […] I just have the blue car. I don’t understand. Why would I have any other car? What kind of monster would drive any other color car?”
Jessica: “What’s it like just being a round Donut?”
Jessica: “Do you have any hobbies?”
Shawn: “Yes, ma’am. My hobby is playing football.”
Jessica: “Football? Are we talking about the soccer football or the real football?”
Shawn: “Soccer football.”
Jessica: “So, the phony football.”
We booped so we could go into the UPS store. 4hr 04min 42sec Jason called back repeatedly but we didn’t answer for a while. We eventually answered.
Jessica: “They don’t allow to send money through the mail.”
Jessica: “I got a date with Zelda at the bank.
We went to a different UPS to try again. We booped. 4hr 11min 55sec Jessica tried to get Jason to speak to Bob, the UPS guy, but Jason wouldn’t say anything. 4hr 15min 00sec Jason called back. Bob answered. Jason wouldn’t talk to Bob. Shawn called back. Jessica answered.
Shawn: “Why did you told them there was cash in the box?”
Jessica: “They took the package to give to the police. They confiscated it.”
Shawn told Jessica to go get the box from UPS. Jessica had to struggle to take the box away from Bob but she got it. She ran to the blue car! On the way to another UPS, Jessica threw the parcel out of the car window. Jessica thought Shawn had a GPS tracker on it and that he wanted her to throw it in the ditch so he could pick it up.
Jessica: “A Donut consuming a donut. How fitting.”
Melon translation: “You fuck our mother.”
He booped. 4hr 26min 40sec
We called back. Shawn answered but Jessica thought it was Jason. Jessica got the box and is back in her blue car.
Jessica: “Could I ask you a favor? Could you make me happy right now? Could you do that for me? Could you get up off your chair if you’re sitting? I don’t know if you’re standing or sitting on the floor. Whatever. Could you get up? Could you walk over to your superior, Mr. Donut, Shawn Parker, the Donut, could you just give him a big old slap in the face? It would make me happy.”
Jessica: “Just slap the Donut.”
Shawn: “I will slap your ass.”
Jessica: “You don’t even have confidence when you say that. You put a little hesitation on the end of that.”
Shawn: “Do you want me to slap your ass? I will be happy.”
Jessica: “Say it with confidence. If you’re gonna say it, you gotta say it with meaning.”
Shawn booped. 4hr 29min 08sec
We called back. Shawn answered but Jessica continued to think he was Jason. We’re in the blue car driving to the next UPS store.
Jessica: “How upset are you right now, on a scale from 1 to 10?”
Jessica: “Why don’t you tell me exactly what you feel inside. Tell me exactly how you feel about me. Just get it all out of your chest. Just tell me what you think of me. Tell me what you think of me.”
Shawn: “I’m feeling very frustrated right now and I feel that you are not listening and you are making mistakes. If any mistake happens this time, sorry to say, you will lose your $19,000. […] You are making mistakes and I am very upset from you.”
Jessica: “You don’t think you’re causing these mistakes?”
Shawn: “Why will I make these mistakes?”
Jessica: “I don’t know. Because you just do. You seem like kind of a mistake person. You know what I mean? You just stumble across mistakes.”
Shawn: “I will.”
Jessica: “You will what?”
Shawn: “I will smack the Donut.”
Went back to UPS and Jessica handed the phone to Bob. Shawn booped. 4hr 36min 24sec
We called back. We’re blocked.
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